If I wasn’t already a bit too contemplative for my own good, there’s nothing like the end of a year to put me right over the edge into self-reflection neverland. It’s a scary place, and one I wouldn’t recommend visiting for too long a period, although a short trip can sometimes be enlightening.
It’s been a frustrating year, work-wise. I probably tried harder to market myself than in any year prior, and found little success for my efforts. Even more discouraging was recently learning that multiple clients stole my work, something I knew could happen, but honestly didn’t believe ever would. All of this has caused me to really look at what is going on within that might have brought these experiences into my life. Rather than succumb to the role of victim, I’m trying instead to identify and understand the thought patterns I possess that continually hold me back and keep me from having what I want. And I realize the problem is never new, it’s the same repetitive story that’s been playing in a sleazy theatre somewhere within the deep recesses of my mind *forever*. A worn out story of unworthiness that is infuriating and highly embarrassing to admit.
Despite all this dreary melancholy, I’m truly uplifted knowing that I can see. My livelihood is seeing, and if I can see and acknowledge what I do, I can eventually heal it. The more I see evidence of the Divine in those I photograph, the more I see it in myself. Photographing isn’t just a nice way for me to pass the time, it’s a path that I genuinely believe is my destiny, however small that plays out. The shoot is the reward, for it’s within these frames that sometimes, when I’m really lucky, I have the opportunity to rendezvous with God.